So every year for the past three years, I have participated with friends in a
month-long daily art prompt list we call "Ourtober".

This year I decided that rather than doing digital art (as is my normal method),
I was going to attempt to write poetry for each prompt. The following are my poems
for this event:



1. [Strands](/ourtober-2023/strands)
2. [Gothic](/ourtober-2023/gothic)
3. [Opportunities](/ourtober-2023/opportunities)
4. [Bleed](/ourtober-2023/bleed)
5. [Cirrus](/ourtober-2023/cirrus)
6. [Potato](/ourtober-2023/potato)

























I will be continuing to update this list as I finish poems throughout the month.

Ourtober 2023

though life will take us to and fro 
while dancing all the way, 
we find sometimes someone to know 
and by them we will stay

a love, a spark, a needed help 
to cherish and endure, 
someone who keeps watch o'er yourself 
in moments insecure

we dare not hope, we cannot know 
how long these ones will stay, 
but in our heart we hope to go 
together on our way

and yet alas, how life does scorn 
the dreams in hearts we keep, 
we know sometimes we come to mourn 
the future not to be

yet do not futures come and die 
each moment of our life? 
one cannot look o'er low or high 
without some mortal strife

much better then ourselves to count 
among the lucky ones, 
that need not journey all around 
while solely on our own

so if goodbye is come today 
one thing i'll say is true 
of all the folks, that crossed my way 
i'm glad that i met you

Crossed Paths

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You wake up from a restless right of empty dreams, sweating and shivering. The sky is dark but you know any chance at rest vanished the moment you opened your eyes.

The bed is sticky when you get up, riddled with bloody feathers. Your wings are molting. They started the day you discovered the tiny horns peeking out from under your hair, and haven't stopped since. You expect it will get worse for long before it gets better in that regard.

Taking the time to polish your halo used to fill you with confidence, you like to think you took pride in your work at least. Now the gesture feels empty. At the very least when your division lead comes to relieve you of your post they'll get it back shiny and scratch free, although given how the glow has faded not even you could claim it's been truly well cared for.

You return your halo polish to its place behind the mirror and frown when you catch sight of the horns. What started as two small nubs, barely visible through your hair, have grown into long, shockingly elegant antlers, gently twisting their way around your head from the fore to just over your ears.

While you'll curse the day you discovered them for the rest of your eternities, you do have to admit they've been growing on you - even if only literally.

An idle thought passes its way through your head: do demons' horns have to be polished ... or perhaps oiled maybe? You'll have to find someone to ask about that. Luckily the humans can't seem to see your horns any more than they could see your wings - seems that trick runs both ways.

The sharp rap of a knock at the door interrupts your morning routine.

On opening the door you find an unmarked envelope, containing a handwritten memo:

> **Intake and Orientation** 
> **Fallen Angel Division** 
> **Hell**
> 
> Dearest new sibling,
> 
> Congratulations on your demotion. This letter is to inform you
> of your upcoming assignment.
>
> Upon release from Heaven, your new duty will be:
> <div style="text-align:center">***Unspecified***</div>
>
> Enjoy the change of pace.

So the rumors were true. You feel your heart sink as it sets in. For the first time in your existence you would have no purpose. No duty. No meaning.

This really is hell.

Falling from Duty

in a world of bright faces 
wide smiles and sunny hellos, 
i am wind that brings in the clouds 
to offer shade below

i am the touch of a sudden chill 
to heal your sun-scorched day, 
the beautiful smell of coming rain 
to wash the grit away

i am the sound of a bubbling spring 
just up around the bend, 
a place to rest and catch your breath 
as the day comes to an end

we'll clear the sky to sit together 
and watch the moon rise high, 
She'll bless us both and off we'll go 
with rested wings to fly

Respite

i'll see you soon 
in this messy dance we call life 
floating through your orbit 
passing in the night

i gave you something 
before you left 
a secret trust from deep inside 
this place within my chest

so keep it safe 
'til next we meet 
and in your heart 
my love will beat 

then as i turned 
and walked away 
i found with me 
your heart did stay

so i shall hold it 
safe and dear 
until once more 
you come 'round here

i'll see you soon 
in this messy dance we call life 
floating through your orbit 
passing in the night

Fragments of My Heart

a young child sits in the living room. today is her eigth birthday, and
she has been given a decision. the family's god has declared she shall be
taught its ways

*"will you join us?"* ask her parents, *"will you believe?"*

she does not know. she does not hear their god. it is too much.
but regardless, a decision is made, and the child's soul is sold

the trade? a fleeting mirage of salvation

after the ritual the child emerges, granted new conviction to bury herself
in the facade of obedience. she learns many new things in her divine
tutelage, but the most important skill is learning to forget

not one to shrink from a challenge, she quickly excells at it. proving her
mastery above all others by forgetting her doubts . . . her dreams . . . and her
self

<hr/>

untethered, the child wanders - in posession of neither their mind nor their
heart. those are locked, the keys buried in the spring of ritual forgetfulness.
without the meat of passion or reason, only devotion remains, the child's sole
gruel words of validation from those who can hear their god

as the child grows it gets harder to forget. others do not seem to share this
difficulty - they have no doubts, no dreams, no self to forget. their god does
not ask it of them, they are already whole

<hr/>

years pass. the child grows into an adult, and the edicts of the family's god
fade. slowly she forgets her most hard-earned skill

eventually, she forgets how to forget. and soon it all comes back: her dreams, her doubts, her self

it is overwhelming at first, but quickly turns to joy. she becomes a new self -
not quite the old one, but in stark contrast with the self she assumed under the
god's command

above all, she finally has an answer to that question

*"will you join us?"* ask her parents, *"will you believe?"*

. . .

no, I will not

Forgetting Myself


So a year ago today my wife and I moved to our current home.  For the first time in several years we weren't living with family, and in many ways that move signalled the beginning of my transition.

A year ago I came out to my wife, a year ago I walked away from the mormon church, and a year ago I started rebuilding my life.

Since then I've found a new job, reconnected with several old friends, and my wife and I are expecting another baby.  It turns out life goes on, even after everything changes.

Of course everything hasn't been all pleasant.  I've had family members tell me they're worried I'll go to hell, old friends insist I'm delusional, and of course the constant strangers online calling me and people like me freaks.  I learned to deal with the strangers a long time ago, but it has hurt more coming from people I trusted and loved.

Still, better to know how they feel than to be forever unsure I guess.

I just wish they could climb into my head and see the world from my perspective.  I'm trying to do the best I can - both for myself and my family - and can only assume others are doing so as well.  Why can't they believe that's why I chose to transition?

I try not to dwell on that too much.

Instead I've found myself looking forward more than ever.  Transitioning has given me more hope for the future than I've had at any point in my life.  Goals suddenly make sense to have, and to work towards.  Obviously many are about my medical transition, but even beyond that I've been able to visualize in much greater detail how I want to take care of my health, the sort of progression I want in my career, and how I want to raise my children.  Turns out life is much clearer when you're not struggling to imagine a future for yourself.

To those of you who have believed me, thank you.  I'm still figuring a lot of things out, but it means a lot to me that you can trust I'm making the right choice for myself and my family.

Reflections On the Last Year

Coming Out


Hi, my name is Ashe. It's good to meet you, my pronouns are she/her and I'm a web developer.

My specialties are Javascript (NodeJS and React), Docker, and Postgres. When I'm not writing code I like books, photography, and design.

I also can often be found reading to my daughter, or playing a variety of games old and new.


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